Your Choice, Your Life, Your Future.

Have you ever find yourself in a Situation where you had to Clean up after the Mess your Parents left behind.

Well my Parents left a Huge Mess, not only in my Life but in the Life of some Individuals that had connected to them and had some form of relationship and interaction which had left a lifelong Scar.


I was raised by a Strong Muslim Parents , apparently my Mom was forced to Marry my Dad at a very young age with an age gap of over 20years. My Dad was already married and for some reasons the first Wife left after my Mom came in. So my mom was left to cater for the Kids bore by the first wife as well as her own kids and kids from extended Family that my Dad picks up from his Brothers and Sisters to be Trained.

From what I could recall vividly about my dad’s personality right from a Tender Age, I knew my dad to be Promiscuous, and to make matters worse for my mom, He had a separate apartment from my mom and his kids. Therefore looking down memory Lane, I grew up in a two room apartment with my mom, my five other siblings, two half siblings, my dad’s first grandson and cousins with numbers increasing and decreasing at intervals.

My dad, an autocratic disciplinary that believes in raising kids with an Iron fist but to my knowledge loving at the same time, rented a separate apartment away from us but in the same building. This way he could have his privacy to attend to his clients. Only that a high number of his clients were obviously Women.


My Mom, a Beauty in its splendour , elegantly package to impress the eyes with a youthfulness that I had always admired, she was left to scramble for my dad’s emotional crumbs. Heartbreakingly, she would watch as my dad receives one woman after the other in the name of spiritual service. On many occasions, she would be force to compete for my dad’s attention and so she would have confrontations with some of these women whenever the door remains closed for too long. Other times, she would result to taking there sandals left at the entrance and hide it.

My mom became a deeply wounded Woman, she would bitterly tell us the story of her Lover and how she was forcefully separated from him to be married to my dad. Yet here she is fighting to gain and received what she felt she deserves and is hers from the same man who brought about the separation, It was pathetic for sure.

During these times and period, a lot of events had occurred and due to this I suddenly find myself as the Favorite daughter of my dad. He began to dote me with more Love and affection, I was the second of six siblings, five Girls and a Boy. However his definition of Love for both Wife and Children elude me as literally most of his time was spent in his apartment away from us, and from what I could vividly recall, my mom had always dragged herself to the hospital alone to give birth to my siblings while he joins her afterwards.

My mom continued to fight for my dad’s affection until she had no zeal and strength left to continue, so sadly she succumbed to her fate. However, it did come with a Consequence and Implications directed towards me that would change my Life Forever.


Yes my mom’s bitterness was projected on me, because the attention and affection she so desired and had fought for for so many years was still denied her while I had began to receive a little more of that same affection from my dad. Affection I later found out was accompanied by motive because he had suddenly discovered something in me that needed his attention and not his affection.

And so as an Innocent Child back then, I became my mom’s Rival, and my Lovely Adorable Mom suddenly became an Enemy to her own Child. She began to treat me as a maid to my other siblings. She would dote my Sisters and Brother with all of her Love and ensure I witness all of it. Not only that, her Words cut deeper than the Love denied me, she made me beg without words for her affection just like in her case with my dad. I was treated as an outcast so much so that it became obvious to my other siblings and they equally began to treat me as one. As a result, I grew up alone in the mist of a large Family, and I equally grew up not sharing a Bond with any of my siblings.


Here is the big deal in all of the Story, in as much as my Mom’s actions left a Scar and a Deep Wound that I had to Nurse until a few years ago when I began to receive Clarity and Revelations with regards to my Ordeal. I kept my emotion about this a secret, despite the fact that I was totally Broken within to the point that it had changed my Personality and Identity. This is so because until her unfortunate and painful death in 2013, and almost Forty years of Age, I was still fighting to Win the Love and affection of my mom. Hoping each day that she would see me for who I truly am and would give me the Love I deserve as her own.

My dad passed away in 2000 leaving behind broken and shattered Lives caused by his insecurity, bad advises, decisions and choices as well as the inability to see and understand the Bigger Picture. Up until the period and moment that I received my Calling I have never heard, have idea nor understood what Depression and Narcissistic means back then, I only found myself drawn towards People like my mom and dad.

I never understood nor have an idea of what Self- Worth and Value stands for in a Human Life and its significance in relationships and interactions , in fact right from my Childhood for as long as I could remember, I allowed People to disesteem, devalue, underrate and belittle me just so I could receive Love in return. I was literally crying out loud within me to be loved. My Childhood was spent running around visiting Friends, distant relatives and loved ones looking for a Family to belong that would Accept, Validate and Appreciate me.

Unfortunately, the more I seek to belong, be accepted and loved the more I got hurt and the more I went through one Trauma after the other especially in relationships. until the last one that broke the camels back, compelled me to REDISCOVER MYSELF through an Awakening so overwhelming that it can only be Describe as DIVINE ENCOUNTER. And that is where CHOICE comes to Play, because despite all of these Experiences.

* I chose to LOVE!!! Because it makes me Value Love the more.

* I chose to GIVE myself to the Cause and Purpose I was meant to Fulfil in this Life.

* I Chose to FORGIVE!!!! because looking back, I totally understood my mom, the struggle and pain she had to bare.

* I chose to HEAL!!!! Because if I don’t, there is a high probability that the Circle might continue and I might be compelled to project my Bitterness on my Innocent Kids who know nothing neither participated in putting me in such condition.

* I chose ME and MY LIFE!!!! Because I was Born into such Family to make the difference, make things Right and Clean the Mess. It was to see the Beauty in all of my Journey Now.

* Ultimately, I choose GOD to whom I Dedicate All of My Life, For without HIS MERCY and LOVE, I would have been Forgotten. I sincerely hope this Awaken someone Today? I Remain Yours Truly, (Apostolos Katherine Subair)

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